Thank you Jayne for asking me to be a WOW Woman – I am thrilled. I am a 44 year old woman, mother, wife, business owner and lover of life. I live in West London with my husband John, whom I met at just 16. We have a 21 year old daughter, Hannah, and a large family of pets (2 dogs 3 cats) and 2 hives of bees. I have a business called Potential Un-limited and I use mentoring both 1-1 and in groups, to help people challenge their limiting beliefs. I help them to stop “trying to think outside the box” and see instead there is no box.
Tell us about no box thinking, I love it!?
So many people were using the expression “think outside the box” and I noticed that all they were really doing was holding themselves back with limiting beliefs. Sometimes these beliefs were organizational – corporate and in-grained and with no explanation of where they came from, just that “we always do it this way”. Others were from deep within the individuals and often came from their own fear of failure or rejection. When someone asked me how I had overcome so many obstacles in my life, it hit me – I had always known there was no box. Like the story of the Emperor’s new clothes, when a child had to tell him he was naked; I felt I had to tell everyone what was plain for them to see if they just looked – there is no box.
You live with a condition called Ehrlers Danlos Syndrome. I know it’s a rare condition can you tell us more?
It is a rare condition, and I have a combination of types three and four. EDS is a connective tissue disease, which means my collagen is too stretchy – people think of being “double-jointed” and I am very hyper-mobile. This does mean I dislocate joints very easily and this happens on a regular basis. In addition, EDS has other complications, such as bruising and tearing the skin, failing to heal after surgery and bleeding gums – all challenging in their own ways. The type four complications are more serious, and result in internal organs spontaneously rupturing – indeed when I was pregnant with my daughter Hannah, my womb ruptured at 7 months – resulting in a very early, if speedy, delivery! The chronic pain that often accompanies the recurring dislocations can be debilitating and I have found many alternatives to standard pain-therapy, including a wonderful hot tub where I regularly relax and unwind.
You also had a road accident at the age of 26 and you spent almost 12 years in a wheel chair. How did you practice no box thinking and walk again?
The day after my accident, the surgeon sat with me and John (my husband) and told him that I would never walk again. Without missing a beat, John replied “you clearly don’t know my wife!” I think I knew from that moment that I would walk again. How could I fail when someone had this much belief in me? The real trick, of course, was that I needed this much belief in myself too. John and I decided that we were going to set our own rules – we didn’t like the rules that the medical profession were coming up with; limitations, constant reminders of what I could not do, operations that took months to heal, all setting limitations in place and tying to fit me into the neat box marked “disabled”. We saw every new challenge as another opportunity to find a new way. It wasn’t easy – and there were times when I wanted to climb back inside a safe and dark box and believe what they were telling us. Thankfully, we overcame those days.
You are passionate and hugely positive, how do you do it?
I see attitude as a choice. I can chose to focus on all the reasons I have to feel sorry for myself, or I can chose to focus on the amazing things in my life. When you have lost something as simple as walking – something that we all take for granted – you learn to look at how important small things are. I acknowledge every wonderful thing in my life – however small – and this choice means I have a positive rather than a negative focus. My wheelchair was always a good example of this – as it was bright purple and resulted in lots of conversations. Did I like being in a wheelchair? No. Did I like my bright purple, 12 miles per hour wheelchair? Yes. Do I like being in pain? No. Do I like being able to use Skype so that I can have amazing conversations without leaving my desk? Yes – I love it! It is simply a choice – and that choice can be tough sometimes. Having people around you to support that way of thinking is key – positivity is contagious.
You have a daughter, Hannah, who’s running her own business at the age of 21. I see an entrepreneurial pattern immerging. What are your hopes for her?
I am hugely proud of Hannah – what an incredible and determined woman she has become. Hannah was three years old when I had my accident, and has proved to be the greatest no-box-thinker of us all. She is truly entrepreneurial and a compassionate and approachable one. I see great things for her future, not least as a mentor to young entrepreneurs. She reminds me every day of the important things in life. My hopes for her are health, balance and love.
With your bodies challenges, how do you feel about yourself as a woman?
The health challenges I have do make me see my body as the enemy sometimes; something that was added to by my time in the wheelchair. I went up to a size 32 during my time in the chair, and one of my greatest achievements in the last 2 years has been maintaining a size 16. Having shed so much weight (I have actually lost more than I weigh now!) I had to learn to like my body all over again. In my head I still see the large lady in the wheelchair, and having people pay me compliments can feel uncomfortable. As a professional speaker, I put myself – and my body – in the spotlight when I work so I had to learn to build a new relationship with my body. If I care for it and treat it with respect, I can count on it to be there for me to perform. I am learning to love my body and I am constantly surprised by its resilience. Someone recently commented that I am “larger than life” and for the first time in many years I saw this as a compliment rather than a personal opinion!
What are your no box dreams for the future?
To stay on my feet and stay healthy and to keep doing what I love. I am so lucky to do what I love and call it work. So many people never find this path and simply survive. Sometime after my accident, I was invited to a “survivors group” where people who had been through serious accidents met regularly to support each other. After two months of attending the group, one of the members remarked to me “Dinah, you don’t belong here. This is a group for survivors – and you are a liver, not a survivor”. I hope I never lose that. Surviving feels very “make-do” to me – I want to live every day to my full potential.
What ‘really’ matters to you in your life?
My family – my husband John, with whom I have shared a remarkable journey – he is my grounding and my rock; and our daughter Hannah who surpasses my expectations every day.
Ability – for most of my life I have had a badge “disabled” given to me by others, and that I have chosen not to wear. I remember giving back my blue badge for parking, one month after I got out of my wheelchair. Everyone thought I was mad, saying things like “why would you walk further than you have to?” and “Loads of people who don’t need one use one and you do need one!” Giving back the badge for me was about taking back my ability. Stepping outside their box. Recognising ability in others and helping them see it in themselves gives me a great sense of achievement.
What advice can you pass on to my website guest who is living with a difficulty and are perhaps living in ‘their box’
Living inside our box can feel like a safe place. After all, who else can understand how we feel and what we are going through? The answer is nobody can if we don’t let them in. When we decide there is no box, there are no more walls to hide behind. The very walls that hold us back can also make us feel safe, secure and protected. This is a scary place, if we face it alone. Start by asking someone to go on the journey with you – you will know who to ask. Let them know you are scared and excited about what lies ahead. Ask them to travel with you.
Most of all, be honest with yourself. Ask yourself what you get out of staying inside your box? We often repeat behavior even when we know the results will be less than positive. Having a reason to leave the box behind and making a choice to go forward is a huge step in the right direction.
We’ve both taken life’s challenges and grown from them. I am so grateful to have discovered you on Twitter and to now count you as a close friend. You’re both WOW and special Dinah! Thanks for sharing your wonderful story with us this month.
So Dinah has no box, are you ready to leave yours?
Jayne x
